Everything has an origin in Love or seeking Love. Because everything is borne of Love, everything is unconditionally beautiful, even the ugliest thoughts or the most wretched humans.
I have a very close companion. She accompanies me everywhere- to work, to bed, to everywhere including the washroom! Even if she is not making her presence actively known, I can access her at a moment's notice. Her name is Doris.
Sometimes Doris is extremely loud, and she is all I can feel and hear. "Arghh you ugly slob. What's wrong with you?" "Why can't you do anything right?" "Gosh I hate you so much."
Doris may not be pleasant, but she is comfortable and familiar, since she has accompanied me since adolescence.
I have a weakness for Doritos. I know they aren't healthy, but I have a tendency to binge them. As another wave of cravings hit me, I couldn't resist any longer and ran to my secret stash in the closet.
"You loser. These are so bad for you. Why are you eating more junk?" chirped Doris.
Her sharp tone seemed to hasten the pace of stuffing the chips in my mouth, as if I was trying to destroy the evidence as quickly as possible.
"You have no self-control. What a slob. Man, I really hate you." came her next barrage of insults.
As I felt red hot shame course through my body, I felt a twinkling in the back of my mind, remembering the words of my mentor Carolyn Lovewell. "Everything has its origin in Love".
So my desire for chips, as unwelcome as it may be, has an origin in Love. The part of me that desires the salty crunchy goodness just wants me to experience an explosion of flavour. Sensory bliss feels akin to a tender hug. It's a decent alternative in my lonely life. How can I fault my craving for wanting to provide a feeling of emotional warmth for me?
In softening towards my chip desire, my heart cracked open a little, allowing some rays of Love to emerge and bathe all aspects of my being.
All aspects including Doris. With the light of love, I can now see that under her harsh words was a small wounded child that didn't know how else to protect me from the external world. She was trying to win me success in the only way she knew how. And while her criticism was hurtful, I was able to achieve many goals because of her presence by my side.
"I love you Doris" I said for the first time to her. And for the first time, she was left speechless. Instead, I experienced a feeling of peace and a loosening of tension.
Another chip beckoned to me out of the corner of my eye. I smiled back at it, knowing the wonderful flavour it will immerse me in. Yet, right now I feel so fuzzy and full of love and ...satiated? I know I will be gentle in allowing myself to have more now, and the roaring craving that was so intense mere minutes ago has diminished to a cute little mew.
I wrapped the bag back up and on my way back to store it away, I stubbed my toe.
"Arghh you imbecile. How can you be so blind?" Doris' familiar voice was quick to return. Instead of tensing myself to her lashes this time, I relaxed open. How could I not? These words were expressions of her love for me.
"Love you too Doris" I beamed back at her.
Again, she became silent. But in the corner of my mind's eye, I think I saw the faint whisper of a smile dance at the edge of her lips.
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